Another Point of View

I know not all of you follow Kelly's CaringBridge journal. With her permission I am posting an entry that she made there on Sunday, April 19.

From Kelly:
"Hey y'all - it's MEEEE!

Have you deleted that 'auto notify' yet, on these updates? :)

We've shared a lot of milestones this weekend, not the least of which is me feeling with it enough to post right now. Catching up from the emergency room was exhausting - physically and mentally. Getting my sleep back, getting the pain under control, weaning down to a more reasonable level of meds... I think it's taken me the weekend to do that and make forward progress. But I have.

On Friday, my visiting nurse told me it was time to venture outside. I can't begin to explain to you the psychological difficulty in this small request, but I'm sure you can imagine my discomfort with being anywhere near people, having surgical drains, bruising, swelling and pain. But I did- starting first with a small stroll up the street and back, and next to a nearby pub to meet wonderful friends for lunch. That exhausted me completely, but I recharged and by today was ready to strike out across a different street to a Cheesecake Factory for lunch with Mom, Dad and Eric. I was pleased with myself, because there were people everywhere due to the Boston marathon check-in very nearby.

My physical progress has happened more quickly than my mental/emotional. Again, won't try to explain too much, but I feel somewhat vulnerable getting out there - especially seeing people from 'home' or who know me well. I tiptoed up to that hurdle too, meeting up with a few close friends from home. On the mental side, I haven't had the energy to focus for any length of time. Books and movies have been of little interest, let alone my much neglected studies. I'll get there in time, but I'm now aware enough of my neglect to feel a little pressure. Just trying to concentrate when I chatted with a school cohort today made me feel a little teary and panicky. I know, give it some time. I watched a full two hour movie only two nights ago, and it was a revelation.

I've appreciated the small moments of awareness that come my way, like how clean I can get my teeth when I have the strength to brush properly, or how nice it feels to wear contacts and sunglasses when I can finally lift my other hand enough to get the contacts into my eyes. So too, I realize the pure joy of having someone else fill my water bottle or adjust my pillows or put the mail in my lap, these things that aren't dependencies but liberators because I get to save my energy for something bigger. There's always something to strive for (like putting on my own socks!), and I prioritize my energy like I used to prioritize my time. Funny parallels.

I am starting to look forward to our return home, when I can see people in my own environment and take on all the challenges of being independent (or not) there. I am starting to realize I will miss the close access to friends and family out here, who I normally don't get to see several times or more in one week.

I am also starting to realize how many people it's taken to get me back even to this state of health, and how much farther I have to go. Not just Mom, Eric and Dad, but all of you who leave notes here or who send notes and cards in the mail, who are doing things for us here and back at home. Holy cow. What a force! I'll get thank yous out individually, I will. :) For now, know that you've done more than your fair share and I appreciate and love every ounce of care that went into each note, wherever it was sent.

I'm going to continue doing my part to heal and gain strength.

Love,
Kel"

Amen to that.